Relapse

Pain is pain. No one has the right to judge it, put limits on it, or qualify it.

Sometimes, it’s hard to imagine that you’ll ever feel better. So, what do you do? You can hate it if you want, resent it, resist it, or wish it wasn’t happening.

The fact is that it’s happening.

Let us Pray

Love Myself

Thank you Hailee Steinfeld for this song.

When I get chills at night
I feel it deep inside without you, yeah
Know how to satisfy
Keeping that tempo right without you, yeah

Pictures in my mind on replay
I'm gonna touch the pain away
I know how to scream my own name
Scream my name

(I love me)
Gonna love myself, no, I don't need anybody else
(Hey)
Gonna love myself, no, I don't need anybody else
(I love me)
Can't help myself, no, I don't need anybody else
Anytime, day or night
(I love me)
Gonna love myself, no, I don't need anybody else
(Hey)
Gonna love myself, no, I don't need anybody else
(I love me)
Can't help myself, no, I don't need anybody else
Anytime that I like
(I love me)

I'll take it nice and slow
Feeling good on my own without you, yeah
Got me speaking in tongues
The beautiful, it comes without you, yeah

I'm gonna put my body first
And love me so hard 'til it hurts
I know how to scream out the words
Scream the words

(I love me)
Gonna love myself, no, I don't need anybody else
(Hey)
Gonna love myself, no, I don't need anybody else
(I love me)
Can't help myself, no, I don't need anybody else
Anytime, day or night
(I love me)
Gonna love myself, no, I don't need anybody else
(Hey)
Gonna love myself, no, I don't need anybody else
(I love me)
Can't help myself, no, I don't need anybody else
Anytime that I like
(I love me)

Ah, la la la, la la la la la
Ah, la la la, la la la la la
Ah, la la la, la la la la la
Anytime that I like
(I love)

I know how to scream my own name
Scream my name

(I love me)
Gonna love myself, no, I don't need anybody else
(Hey)
Gonna love myself, no, I don't need anybody else
(I love me)
Can't help myself, no, I don't need anybody else
Anytime, day or night
(I love me)
Gonna love myself, no, I don't need anybody else
(Hey)
Gonna love myself, no, I don't need anybody else
(I love me)
Can't help myself, no, I don't need anybody else
Anytime that I like
(I love me)

October 8, 2015 - I date myself

Last night, I watched a movie by myself for the second time. It wasn't weird. If anything, it feels good.

The Martian was a good movie. Maybe the netizens are right, Matt Damon might snatch the Oscars for that.

Anyways, being by yourself is not something to be afraid of. We were all born alone right? I mean, have you seen twins get out of their mother's womb at the same time?! Crazy! You get what i mean.

We came to this world alone, so there's nothing wrong with being alone. Being alone doesn't necessarily mean you're lonely.

I want to focus on myself. I want to take this time to improve me. To focus on my relationship with myself, my family, and God. Because I lost those relationship when I was with my Ex.

Words of Wisdom for Me

• Have enough courage to trust love one more time, and always one more time.
• When we’ve survived the heartaches and trials of a relationship gone bad and a breakup gone awful, we’ve experienced two polar opposites of a spectrum. We’ve now seen how beautiful love can be and how easily it can be tarnished.
• We learn from these hurdles, each time becoming a little bit stronger, happier and smarter.
• We learn through our breakups that we can still be whole.
• That's okay. You should be letting it all out because if you keep it inside, it will only hurt more.
• But you should know that breakups are not always such a negative thing. Think back on all the troubles you've had in your life. You faced them head-on with a conviction so strong that you conquered them. Just like that, breakups make us stronger. It reminds you that your heart is still beating; it is still fighting. Change hurts but it has to happen
• If there's one thing that breakups have taught us, it's that life still goes on. Not everything that hurts us is meant to destroy us. Letting go isn't just about saying goodbye, it's also about embracing a new part of your life, welcoming new changes and discoveries and experiences. Instead of fearing the unknown, open your arms wide and gladly welcome it. Uncertainty may seem terrifying but then it always brings pleasant surprises. Everything in your life happens unexpectedly but they occur for a reason. Recall the first time you met your boyfriend, you didn't know back then what would happen between the two of you, but then you let him enter your life and I'm sure that brought along sweet memories. Now that that's over, it's time to embrace once more the unknown–you never know what new things it will bring you.
• It may have seemed as if forever actually existed with him. Maybe you already made future plans in your head, imagined how your wedding would look like, or how two to three years from now, you'd be celebrating your something-anniversary. Love. Four simple letters that are not to be taken lightly. It makes you feel so much bliss and euphoria. Yet no matter how much joy love can bring, it can also be lethal because of that one other word: goodbye. Breakups are excruciating, no matter how long or short the relationship lasted, how much time you've spent together, or how dearly you wanted to be with him. It may seem as if your world is crumbling, that there's nothing else to do but cry and let everything out.
• Exploring doesn't hurt. Now that you have more free time in your hands, you could use it to try something new or explore new cities and horizons. Go out there and enjoy being by yourself. Treat yourself to that coffee shop hopping date. Go around that museum that you've always wanted to visit. Take that calligraphy or yoga class that you've been eyeing. You finally have the time to do whatever you want—use it! Celebrate this season of you being with yourself because times like these are rare. When you're in the process of healing, it's good to be around friends but it's also better if you save time for yourself to heal your own wounds.
• The best thing about a breakup is accepting the fact that some things aren't really meant to be. We can't always be in control of what happens in our life but that doesn't mean we're going to give up. Life is tough but you're tougher, whatever happens, you know that you can get through it. They say that when one door closes, another opens. Don't be afraid to enter that new door. It doesn't matter if you take baby steps or large strides, what matters is that you are ready to once again show the world that you can be hurt but never broken. Someday, you will thank that boy who broke your heart because although he may have hurt you, he shook you up and made you realize that there is a bigger world out there that you haven't discovered yet.

Another dream..

You crossed my dream again via FB message, asking for a favor.

Is that what everyone thinks of me?

I hate you! Fuck you! The pain you caused me is still here. Like a knife stuck in my heart. And even though my heart is not bleeding anymore, because it bled out already, the knife is still there. It still hurts, every now and then I shed a tear, every now and then I remember things, memories, plans, and I do my best to push it to the back of my mind. I really wish I'd have amnesia, even just a year of my life, I am willing to erase my memories, just to ease the pain, just to be able to pull out the knife you stick to my heart, just to let the wound close and heal. Because the truth is, I'm dead already.
I died due to exsanguination. And the most painful part is, I'm still hurting after you've killed me.

In Rage

Sometimes your friends are your friends, but there are times that your friends are shitty and act like assholes.

I hate it when they take me for granted. They always do. I always do things and small to big favors for them because that's me, there is a part of me that hates disappointing people, that's why I can't say no. But sometimes, I know this attitude of mine sucks because they take me for granted. I;m the friend who is always there for them, someone you can rely on, but when it comes to them. When I;m the one asking for favors, they're as shitty as poop, and can't even do the thing right. Not even a single hint of seriousness or care or damn was given.

I wish I had a friend like me.

twice in a row..

You were in my dreams the other night, and then again last night. I hate myself for having you there. For thinking of you unconsciously.

I never think of you intentionally, but there were times that I remember you in things, things we used to do, eat, and places we used to go. I remember you there, but then I always quickly close my eyes to remember that I am blessed, that I am free, that this suffering I am feeling is justified, for this is the will of our Lord.

I always pray to Him that if it is possible for Him to erase your memories in my mind, then do so, because I don't want to catch myself remembering you, us, and thinking that life is unfair. I am like this, while you are happy with your life. While you are with a new girl. but the real question is, is she really your "new girl" after me? Or was she your girl "during me"? But as the saying goes, "what you don't know won't hurt you". I don't want to know because it'll just hurt me twice as much knowing that you are cheating. It'll erase the memory of you being a good guy and a good friend. It'll make the pain turn into hatred towards you. If you ever did cheat on me, it's on you. On your character, on your morals, on you being a person. I may be a bitch, but so is Karma. I'll let her hunt you.

Don't come into my mind again. I am trying so hard to move on. I don't want you anymore because I don't want to be with someone who gives up easily.

I am trying so hard to fight my unconscious memories of you.

Haters gonna hate

I hate you. Not hate as in hate. But hate as in " I hate you cause you hurt me hate".

Tell me, when did you stop loving me?
Because at that moment, that's the time you start lying to me. It's the moment you started using me. The moment I became your tissue paper. Disposed once your done.

I hate you for using me. For playing me. For lying to me and letting it on while your heart already stopped loving me.

But most of all, I hate me for believing what we had is something forever, what we had is something special that no fight or amount of differences will tear us down. I hate me for believing you love me just as much.

I hate you. I hate me.

I say a little prayer..

God, you care deeply for broken-hearted people. This is a promise you make: You are close. We pray for all those who are crippled by broken relationships. Our hearts take the blow of disappointment. We feel crushed because our hopes are dashed. God, heal broken hearts. We cannot fix our own wounds. But you can. If pieces of our heart have been lost, or are held captive by another, recover them and bring them back to us and miraculously “put us back together” so that our heart is whole again. You are a mender of broken hearts. We ask for this miracle, in the name of Jesus. Amen.

Amnesia

Everyday, in the small details and ways that I remember you, us, and what used to be. I can't help but pray and wish to wake up with amnesia. Having lost a year of my memories is more bearable than having to feel the pain and the void you left in my heart.

Just like 5SOSs song, "Sometimes I start to wonder, was it just a lie? If what we had was real, how could you be fine? 'Cause I'm not fine at all."

A month after

I know that it's already dead end. There is no turning back for you. I know that you are never coming back, but still, I am waiting. It's like, having my other foot hanging while the other is on the ground. Forgetting you while waiting for you. It's crazy, even if deep inside, knowing you, I know that it's over for good. The saddest part of this break up is that, I didn't just lose the man I love, I also lost a good friend. And it broke my heart into a million pieces. 😢

Goodbye my love!

To the Future Me

This is for the girl who's able to get up every morning after spending the entire night crying and asking herself what was wrong or if she made the right decision. It wasn't an easy one to make and never easier that you're the one who has to make it, but you did anyway because you know it's not going anywhere anymore.

This is for the girl who gets ready for whatever the day brings even if she's a little cautious and scared that she'll get hurt again so she has to keep her walls up and question every single thing she's known before.

This is for the girl who has spent weeks, months, and years healing and waiting for the broken pieces of her heart to glue themselves together again. You managed to stay sane and calm and whole, and even though you get ugly relapses every now and then, you stay true to yourself and continue marching on.

This is for all the girls who've had their hearts broken and find it hard to get back to regular programming, for all the girls who've loved and lost, and can't even see the point of losing something just to learn a few lessons about life. Know that things are going to be fine. Things are going to be okay. We know you've heard those lines so many times already and each time, you doubted if these were actually true. But they are, believe in your heart that they are.

This is not a promise or an assurance that things will get easier or that you won't ever find yourself bouncing back to that dark place again. This is us giving you the truth about life. That things are bound to work out and come together in the end. That even if things are difficult and painful today, tomorrow is a different day. And that no matter what happens, how you've been hurt, and how you've ever felt, you always have a choice of whether that heartbreaking part makes or breaks you. And we hope you allow it to make you—make you a better person, a stronger woman, and someone who's ready to embrace the world and love again as if she's never gotten her heart broken before.

This is a challenge and an encouragement for you to let go—no matter how fast or slow it may be, no matter how long or short the time it takes for you to do so may be—this is your wakeup call, the tight embrace you need, the other hand you need to hold to know that whatever life may bring, you always, always know that things are going to get better. So hold on, strong heart, and brace yourself. Don't give up on life, more so on love, because at the end of the road, things will fall to their proper places and you'll know just why this heartbreak is one of your life's turning points. Hold on and continue holding on.

Bed bug

You hunt me in my dream like a bed bug at night. I kept asking God why? I keep praying for it to stop. For me to stop seeing you in my dreams. For you to be erased in my memories. I don't want to remember you anymore let alone dream of you. Last night's dream you want to talk to me and I just ignored you. But you were there. The fact that you are in my dreams with those intensions are clear that I am not over you, over us. But I can't keep moving forward if I will be dreaming of you always. It'll hold me back, it will spark a hope not just in my mind to overthink, but also on my heart. It'll open up the wounds of my heart that will yearn to have you back. And I don't want that, I want to move on, I want to start again, find and rebuild myself. But if this is a test, or the universe is playing with me, I will stand firm and have faith that everything will be better. That everything is being taken care of by God. I won't let the bed bug bite me, because I know, deep inside my heart, no matter what dream I'll have,  what scenarios my mind would think of, I know that you're not coming back anymore, that when the words you don't love me anymore left your mouth, those were the words of your heart and you mean it word by word. So no, I won't let those spark of hope destroy my process of moving on. I can't and I won't let that happen.

Footloose

Men are entirely different to women.

They clearly are not as emotional as women are.

Not as attached to things as we are.

They tend to put things aside once they've decided it's over.

They can shut emotions and memories just like a switch button.

Maybe that's why they can move on as fast as the flash from one relationship to another. They tend to forget sentimental values in a blink of an eye. One day they care, one day they don't.

They're mind are complex and simple at the same time. Explainable but not understandable. Sad but mostly  true, men use their mind and their penises when it comes to relationship, only few men use their hearts.

And as heart wrenching the truth is, I fell for someone who never used his heart. Someone who easily turn it off and threw everything away in a blink of an eye.

Nightmare

I know it's just a dream. You've been in my dream for 2 consecutive nights.

The first night, we were at school and we have our classmates and friends there.
You were with your "other" Ex, and then there's me. I won't go into details since it's not important. Because really, I don't want to be dreaming about you and your Ex, since I am your Ex too.

I don't really care if right now you are with one of your Exes, that you chose to get back to her after you left and broke my heart into pieces. It's none of my business, and I really hate that the universe is playing with my mind while i'm asleep, it sucks you know.

Second night was last night. I probably dreamed about you since I saw your picture with your family. You look fine and happy, I guess you find a new one to play your games with. What makes me laugh is that, you were wearing the shirt I gave you, along with the watch and the bag that I gave you. It's funny that you don't remember me when you check the time, or wear that shirt that I bought when I was in Japan for a vacation. Or when you checked your bag that I had given you for your birthday, or even the wallet that I bought you cause you don't have one. It's funny how someone can forget that, hell I can even remember the slightest thing if it's a gift from someone. You are one hell of a douche. You really are a player, and yeah, for a moment it pissed me off, then I thought to myself, WTH, IDGAF anymore. I'd just treat that as a donation to the needy. If you can turn off the memories and feelings just like that, then you my ex are not a human, you are one heartless son of a bitch you motherfucking ass hole.

Back to the dream, it is nothing really, you just sent me a message and a friend request in Facebook, and then you are tagging along with Me and a friend while walking in a mall or amusement park, but that was interrupted by my alarm clock, Thank God! I wouldn't want to know what happens next, doesn't really matter, since you don't matter anymore. And I'm pretty sure I don't matter anymore to you.

It was just a dream, I told myself. That It doesn't mean anything, and I didn't feel anything. I've accepted the fact that you are not coming back, that you've found someone new or old already. That everything was just a game to you, that there was never really an "us". And I know that this is just the universe playing with me, but really, I'm moving on, forward even. With myself and with God.

So you can go fuck yourself you shit face asshole!

A Letter to myself

I'm not going to try to tell you how and when you should move on because I know you're going to, in time. For now, you have every right to cry, to feel hurt, and to feel the way you're feeling. Don't listen to people trying to tell you to simply just "get over it," as if it was really that easy. When you really love someone that much, there's no such thing as a quick fix. There is no one-step how-to on how to not love someone.

Maybe you still believe in a second, third, or fourth chance but you just can't admit to yourself that those chances walked out the door when he chose to. But you have to. You have to come to terms with the fact he's not coming back because the sooner you do that, the sooner you can get on with this grand life you've always had—the one you will always have, with or without him. I know you're hurting, and that's okay but don't let it hurt you forever.

Tissue

Was I a roll of tissue to you? You disposed me the moment you're done using me?
Was it fun to play with me? To use me? Did you enjoy? Were you entertained?

I hope you did. Cause if not, then everything I did for you to make you happy will be like a tissue thrown in the bin, a waste. Every effort, every care, and every fuck I gave for you and for our relationship will all be for nothing.

Could Have Been

Yesterday, is the day that we could have celebrated our "Anniversary".

But it's okay. I spent my day finishing a tv series marathon that I started last week. Finished 4 seasons in a week and I am totally up to date ;)

I feel like I've moved on already. I didn't even cry, although I did remember the day, but I don't remember the feeling anymore.

Our plan for that day was a get away, a quick trip out of the city. To just spend the weekend together having fun and creating memories, but those are all unexecuted plans now, all in the past.

Good thing I didn't even bother to buy a gift that early, because I was already thinking of a gift back mid July. I ask my friends for suggestions, searched online, even planned some DIY thingy, again, unexecuted plans now.

Now, I think I am healing, moving forward. Although from time to time, I let myself remember and think of you, and care. But that's just it.

They say you don't really miss your EX, you just missed those times you were together, things you do together, the habit. That's right, I don't miss you, I miss "US", those moments.

I am 70% moving on, I've accepted God's will. I feel 10% of hatred towards you. And 20% regret for everything.

So GFY douchebag! I wish you all the best in life. I'm ok now, and I will be happy even without you.

I know I'm not the only one

You left me days before my birthday. Days after our 11th monthsary. And days before our first Anniversary.

You said you're so full of me. That you're tired, that you don't want me anymore, that you DON'T LOVE ME ANYMORE.

You threw it all a way in a blink of an eye, just because you're mad at me, because you're judgement is clouded, you're full of anger and your emotions are all over.

I wish I was as strong as you, to just throw it all away with no hesitation. 11 months, I know it is just a short time, compare to others that had been together for years. But in those 11 months that we've been together, we've been through a lot. And it was not that easy for me to just forget everything.

To just turn it off, to throw everything, to forget everything as if I woke up with amnesia and not remember the past 11 months of my life.

I don't know what the real reason is. Because honestly, I don't accept your reason. I don't feel that it's valid, given that you were angry that time. 

Am I not the only one? Is it why it's that easy for you to turn it off? Or did you really fall out of love during our last few weeks together. 

I wonder.. even now, I'm still wondering. 

Clean Slate

I am starting this blog to help me move on from a heartache, to help me put my feelings and thoughts into words.

It's been 20 days since we broke up, and I really wanted to start over again, with myself. A clean slate for me. Thus, I hope having this diary will help me.

A new Me. New Milestones to reach by myself. A new beginning.