Haters gonna hate

I hate you. Not hate as in hate. But hate as in " I hate you cause you hurt me hate".

Tell me, when did you stop loving me?
Because at that moment, that's the time you start lying to me. It's the moment you started using me. The moment I became your tissue paper. Disposed once your done.

I hate you for using me. For playing me. For lying to me and letting it on while your heart already stopped loving me.

But most of all, I hate me for believing what we had is something forever, what we had is something special that no fight or amount of differences will tear us down. I hate me for believing you love me just as much.

I hate you. I hate me.

I say a little prayer..

God, you care deeply for broken-hearted people. This is a promise you make: You are close. We pray for all those who are crippled by broken relationships. Our hearts take the blow of disappointment. We feel crushed because our hopes are dashed. God, heal broken hearts. We cannot fix our own wounds. But you can. If pieces of our heart have been lost, or are held captive by another, recover them and bring them back to us and miraculously “put us back together” so that our heart is whole again. You are a mender of broken hearts. We ask for this miracle, in the name of Jesus. Amen.

Amnesia

Everyday, in the small details and ways that I remember you, us, and what used to be. I can't help but pray and wish to wake up with amnesia. Having lost a year of my memories is more bearable than having to feel the pain and the void you left in my heart.

Just like 5SOSs song, "Sometimes I start to wonder, was it just a lie? If what we had was real, how could you be fine? 'Cause I'm not fine at all."

A month after

I know that it's already dead end. There is no turning back for you. I know that you are never coming back, but still, I am waiting. It's like, having my other foot hanging while the other is on the ground. Forgetting you while waiting for you. It's crazy, even if deep inside, knowing you, I know that it's over for good. The saddest part of this break up is that, I didn't just lose the man I love, I also lost a good friend. And it broke my heart into a million pieces. 😢

Goodbye my love!

To the Future Me

This is for the girl who's able to get up every morning after spending the entire night crying and asking herself what was wrong or if she made the right decision. It wasn't an easy one to make and never easier that you're the one who has to make it, but you did anyway because you know it's not going anywhere anymore.

This is for the girl who gets ready for whatever the day brings even if she's a little cautious and scared that she'll get hurt again so she has to keep her walls up and question every single thing she's known before.

This is for the girl who has spent weeks, months, and years healing and waiting for the broken pieces of her heart to glue themselves together again. You managed to stay sane and calm and whole, and even though you get ugly relapses every now and then, you stay true to yourself and continue marching on.

This is for all the girls who've had their hearts broken and find it hard to get back to regular programming, for all the girls who've loved and lost, and can't even see the point of losing something just to learn a few lessons about life. Know that things are going to be fine. Things are going to be okay. We know you've heard those lines so many times already and each time, you doubted if these were actually true. But they are, believe in your heart that they are.

This is not a promise or an assurance that things will get easier or that you won't ever find yourself bouncing back to that dark place again. This is us giving you the truth about life. That things are bound to work out and come together in the end. That even if things are difficult and painful today, tomorrow is a different day. And that no matter what happens, how you've been hurt, and how you've ever felt, you always have a choice of whether that heartbreaking part makes or breaks you. And we hope you allow it to make you—make you a better person, a stronger woman, and someone who's ready to embrace the world and love again as if she's never gotten her heart broken before.

This is a challenge and an encouragement for you to let go—no matter how fast or slow it may be, no matter how long or short the time it takes for you to do so may be—this is your wakeup call, the tight embrace you need, the other hand you need to hold to know that whatever life may bring, you always, always know that things are going to get better. So hold on, strong heart, and brace yourself. Don't give up on life, more so on love, because at the end of the road, things will fall to their proper places and you'll know just why this heartbreak is one of your life's turning points. Hold on and continue holding on.

Bed bug

You hunt me in my dream like a bed bug at night. I kept asking God why? I keep praying for it to stop. For me to stop seeing you in my dreams. For you to be erased in my memories. I don't want to remember you anymore let alone dream of you. Last night's dream you want to talk to me and I just ignored you. But you were there. The fact that you are in my dreams with those intensions are clear that I am not over you, over us. But I can't keep moving forward if I will be dreaming of you always. It'll hold me back, it will spark a hope not just in my mind to overthink, but also on my heart. It'll open up the wounds of my heart that will yearn to have you back. And I don't want that, I want to move on, I want to start again, find and rebuild myself. But if this is a test, or the universe is playing with me, I will stand firm and have faith that everything will be better. That everything is being taken care of by God. I won't let the bed bug bite me, because I know, deep inside my heart, no matter what dream I'll have,  what scenarios my mind would think of, I know that you're not coming back anymore, that when the words you don't love me anymore left your mouth, those were the words of your heart and you mean it word by word. So no, I won't let those spark of hope destroy my process of moving on. I can't and I won't let that happen.

Footloose

Men are entirely different to women.

They clearly are not as emotional as women are.

Not as attached to things as we are.

They tend to put things aside once they've decided it's over.

They can shut emotions and memories just like a switch button.

Maybe that's why they can move on as fast as the flash from one relationship to another. They tend to forget sentimental values in a blink of an eye. One day they care, one day they don't.

They're mind are complex and simple at the same time. Explainable but not understandable. Sad but mostly  true, men use their mind and their penises when it comes to relationship, only few men use their hearts.

And as heart wrenching the truth is, I fell for someone who never used his heart. Someone who easily turn it off and threw everything away in a blink of an eye.

Nightmare

I know it's just a dream. You've been in my dream for 2 consecutive nights.

The first night, we were at school and we have our classmates and friends there.
You were with your "other" Ex, and then there's me. I won't go into details since it's not important. Because really, I don't want to be dreaming about you and your Ex, since I am your Ex too.

I don't really care if right now you are with one of your Exes, that you chose to get back to her after you left and broke my heart into pieces. It's none of my business, and I really hate that the universe is playing with my mind while i'm asleep, it sucks you know.

Second night was last night. I probably dreamed about you since I saw your picture with your family. You look fine and happy, I guess you find a new one to play your games with. What makes me laugh is that, you were wearing the shirt I gave you, along with the watch and the bag that I gave you. It's funny that you don't remember me when you check the time, or wear that shirt that I bought when I was in Japan for a vacation. Or when you checked your bag that I had given you for your birthday, or even the wallet that I bought you cause you don't have one. It's funny how someone can forget that, hell I can even remember the slightest thing if it's a gift from someone. You are one hell of a douche. You really are a player, and yeah, for a moment it pissed me off, then I thought to myself, WTH, IDGAF anymore. I'd just treat that as a donation to the needy. If you can turn off the memories and feelings just like that, then you my ex are not a human, you are one heartless son of a bitch you motherfucking ass hole.

Back to the dream, it is nothing really, you just sent me a message and a friend request in Facebook, and then you are tagging along with Me and a friend while walking in a mall or amusement park, but that was interrupted by my alarm clock, Thank God! I wouldn't want to know what happens next, doesn't really matter, since you don't matter anymore. And I'm pretty sure I don't matter anymore to you.

It was just a dream, I told myself. That It doesn't mean anything, and I didn't feel anything. I've accepted the fact that you are not coming back, that you've found someone new or old already. That everything was just a game to you, that there was never really an "us". And I know that this is just the universe playing with me, but really, I'm moving on, forward even. With myself and with God.

So you can go fuck yourself you shit face asshole!

A Letter to myself

I'm not going to try to tell you how and when you should move on because I know you're going to, in time. For now, you have every right to cry, to feel hurt, and to feel the way you're feeling. Don't listen to people trying to tell you to simply just "get over it," as if it was really that easy. When you really love someone that much, there's no such thing as a quick fix. There is no one-step how-to on how to not love someone.

Maybe you still believe in a second, third, or fourth chance but you just can't admit to yourself that those chances walked out the door when he chose to. But you have to. You have to come to terms with the fact he's not coming back because the sooner you do that, the sooner you can get on with this grand life you've always had—the one you will always have, with or without him. I know you're hurting, and that's okay but don't let it hurt you forever.

Tissue

Was I a roll of tissue to you? You disposed me the moment you're done using me?
Was it fun to play with me? To use me? Did you enjoy? Were you entertained?

I hope you did. Cause if not, then everything I did for you to make you happy will be like a tissue thrown in the bin, a waste. Every effort, every care, and every fuck I gave for you and for our relationship will all be for nothing.

Could Have Been

Yesterday, is the day that we could have celebrated our "Anniversary".

But it's okay. I spent my day finishing a tv series marathon that I started last week. Finished 4 seasons in a week and I am totally up to date ;)

I feel like I've moved on already. I didn't even cry, although I did remember the day, but I don't remember the feeling anymore.

Our plan for that day was a get away, a quick trip out of the city. To just spend the weekend together having fun and creating memories, but those are all unexecuted plans now, all in the past.

Good thing I didn't even bother to buy a gift that early, because I was already thinking of a gift back mid July. I ask my friends for suggestions, searched online, even planned some DIY thingy, again, unexecuted plans now.

Now, I think I am healing, moving forward. Although from time to time, I let myself remember and think of you, and care. But that's just it.

They say you don't really miss your EX, you just missed those times you were together, things you do together, the habit. That's right, I don't miss you, I miss "US", those moments.

I am 70% moving on, I've accepted God's will. I feel 10% of hatred towards you. And 20% regret for everything.

So GFY douchebag! I wish you all the best in life. I'm ok now, and I will be happy even without you.

I know I'm not the only one

You left me days before my birthday. Days after our 11th monthsary. And days before our first Anniversary.

You said you're so full of me. That you're tired, that you don't want me anymore, that you DON'T LOVE ME ANYMORE.

You threw it all a way in a blink of an eye, just because you're mad at me, because you're judgement is clouded, you're full of anger and your emotions are all over.

I wish I was as strong as you, to just throw it all away with no hesitation. 11 months, I know it is just a short time, compare to others that had been together for years. But in those 11 months that we've been together, we've been through a lot. And it was not that easy for me to just forget everything.

To just turn it off, to throw everything, to forget everything as if I woke up with amnesia and not remember the past 11 months of my life.

I don't know what the real reason is. Because honestly, I don't accept your reason. I don't feel that it's valid, given that you were angry that time. 

Am I not the only one? Is it why it's that easy for you to turn it off? Or did you really fall out of love during our last few weeks together. 

I wonder.. even now, I'm still wondering. 

Clean Slate

I am starting this blog to help me move on from a heartache, to help me put my feelings and thoughts into words.

It's been 20 days since we broke up, and I really wanted to start over again, with myself. A clean slate for me. Thus, I hope having this diary will help me.

A new Me. New Milestones to reach by myself. A new beginning.