Haters gonna hate

I hate you. Not hate as in hate. But hate as in " I hate you cause you hurt me hate".

Tell me, when did you stop loving me?
Because at that moment, that's the time you start lying to me. It's the moment you started using me. The moment I became your tissue paper. Disposed once your done.

I hate you for using me. For playing me. For lying to me and letting it on while your heart already stopped loving me.

But most of all, I hate me for believing what we had is something forever, what we had is something special that no fight or amount of differences will tear us down. I hate me for believing you love me just as much.

I hate you. I hate me.

I say a little prayer..

God, you care deeply for broken-hearted people. This is a promise you make: You are close. We pray for all those who are crippled by broken relationships. Our hearts take the blow of disappointment. We feel crushed because our hopes are dashed. God, heal broken hearts. We cannot fix our own wounds. But you can. If pieces of our heart have been lost, or are held captive by another, recover them and bring them back to us and miraculously “put us back together” so that our heart is whole again. You are a mender of broken hearts. We ask for this miracle, in the name of Jesus. Amen.

Amnesia

Everyday, in the small details and ways that I remember you, us, and what used to be. I can't help but pray and wish to wake up with amnesia. Having lost a year of my memories is more bearable than having to feel the pain and the void you left in my heart.

Just like 5SOSs song, "Sometimes I start to wonder, was it just a lie? If what we had was real, how could you be fine? 'Cause I'm not fine at all."

A month after

I know that it's already dead end. There is no turning back for you. I know that you are never coming back, but still, I am waiting. It's like, having my other foot hanging while the other is on the ground. Forgetting you while waiting for you. It's crazy, even if deep inside, knowing you, I know that it's over for good. The saddest part of this break up is that, I didn't just lose the man I love, I also lost a good friend. And it broke my heart into a million pieces. 😢

Goodbye my love!

To the Future Me

This is for the girl who's able to get up every morning after spending the entire night crying and asking herself what was wrong or if she made the right decision. It wasn't an easy one to make and never easier that you're the one who has to make it, but you did anyway because you know it's not going anywhere anymore.

This is for the girl who gets ready for whatever the day brings even if she's a little cautious and scared that she'll get hurt again so she has to keep her walls up and question every single thing she's known before.

This is for the girl who has spent weeks, months, and years healing and waiting for the broken pieces of her heart to glue themselves together again. You managed to stay sane and calm and whole, and even though you get ugly relapses every now and then, you stay true to yourself and continue marching on.

This is for all the girls who've had their hearts broken and find it hard to get back to regular programming, for all the girls who've loved and lost, and can't even see the point of losing something just to learn a few lessons about life. Know that things are going to be fine. Things are going to be okay. We know you've heard those lines so many times already and each time, you doubted if these were actually true. But they are, believe in your heart that they are.

This is not a promise or an assurance that things will get easier or that you won't ever find yourself bouncing back to that dark place again. This is us giving you the truth about life. That things are bound to work out and come together in the end. That even if things are difficult and painful today, tomorrow is a different day. And that no matter what happens, how you've been hurt, and how you've ever felt, you always have a choice of whether that heartbreaking part makes or breaks you. And we hope you allow it to make you—make you a better person, a stronger woman, and someone who's ready to embrace the world and love again as if she's never gotten her heart broken before.

This is a challenge and an encouragement for you to let go—no matter how fast or slow it may be, no matter how long or short the time it takes for you to do so may be—this is your wakeup call, the tight embrace you need, the other hand you need to hold to know that whatever life may bring, you always, always know that things are going to get better. So hold on, strong heart, and brace yourself. Don't give up on life, more so on love, because at the end of the road, things will fall to their proper places and you'll know just why this heartbreak is one of your life's turning points. Hold on and continue holding on.

Bed bug

You hunt me in my dream like a bed bug at night. I kept asking God why? I keep praying for it to stop. For me to stop seeing you in my dreams. For you to be erased in my memories. I don't want to remember you anymore let alone dream of you. Last night's dream you want to talk to me and I just ignored you. But you were there. The fact that you are in my dreams with those intensions are clear that I am not over you, over us. But I can't keep moving forward if I will be dreaming of you always. It'll hold me back, it will spark a hope not just in my mind to overthink, but also on my heart. It'll open up the wounds of my heart that will yearn to have you back. And I don't want that, I want to move on, I want to start again, find and rebuild myself. But if this is a test, or the universe is playing with me, I will stand firm and have faith that everything will be better. That everything is being taken care of by God. I won't let the bed bug bite me, because I know, deep inside my heart, no matter what dream I'll have,  what scenarios my mind would think of, I know that you're not coming back anymore, that when the words you don't love me anymore left your mouth, those were the words of your heart and you mean it word by word. So no, I won't let those spark of hope destroy my process of moving on. I can't and I won't let that happen.

Footloose

Men are entirely different to women.

They clearly are not as emotional as women are.

Not as attached to things as we are.

They tend to put things aside once they've decided it's over.

They can shut emotions and memories just like a switch button.

Maybe that's why they can move on as fast as the flash from one relationship to another. They tend to forget sentimental values in a blink of an eye. One day they care, one day they don't.

They're mind are complex and simple at the same time. Explainable but not understandable. Sad but mostly  true, men use their mind and their penises when it comes to relationship, only few men use their hearts.

And as heart wrenching the truth is, I fell for someone who never used his heart. Someone who easily turn it off and threw everything away in a blink of an eye.